I am probably about to break every girl code there is out there, but since I am a rebel, I am willing to risk stirring things up in an attempt to shed some light on something we rarely pay attention to but has been brewing in my mind for weeks.
I was listening to a podcast the other day, and a couple were discussing the state of their relationship, and honestly, things seemed very bleak. Although I had no idea who these people were, I was drawn to them because two things were evident despite their situation.
They were best friends, and they still loved one another. When they got into the depths of what was happening in their relationship, the man stated something very profound that wouldn't escape me.
He said, "when a man becomes emotionally vulnerable with his partner, and she shuts him down, she has closed the door on future conversations where he will attempt to be vulnerable with her again."
I could hear the sadness, disappointment and desperation in his voice, and as heartbreaking as it was, it was also a revelation. So, to the ladies reading this, I have one thing to say. We need to do better! Women often complain that a man's failure to be open is frustrating, and the blame is placed on him due to his "lack" of vulnerability. But I think a lot of the responsibility for our frustration rests in our hands. How can we ignore the feelings and shut down the men in our lives yet still expect him to desire to be vulnerable with us? What I think is missing is that we rarely take the time to reflect on past conversations. Perhaps as he tried to express how he felt, we were too busy trying to "fix it" that we failed to listen for understanding.
Vulnerability is the essence of connection and connection is the essence of existence. - Leo Christopher
Vulnerability requires trust and respect, and when either of those things is fractured, we can't expect it to show its face willingly. The man from the podcast believed that sharing his feelings with his wife meant that she would be receptive and understanding. But when this didn't happen, it resulted in him shutting down emotionally and her no longer being his safe space.
Now I am not a man whisperer by any means, but I can confidently say that I know that men desire to be understood and respected far more than we think, and maybe this is something we all need to remember and take to heart.
By now, you know how I feel about the importance of communication and acknowledging that uncomfortable conversations with our mates are sometimes the most important ones that bring us closer.
I want us to feel at ease and ask the fellas in our lives how he is, and when he tells you he is okay because he will, I challenge you to feel comfortable enough to dig deeper. Ask if there was ever a time he attempted to be open, and you were not receptive and shut him down. We may be surprised by the answer. And please, ladies, let's be surprised and not offended; it just may present the space to restart and seek forgiveness.
I request this because we are always willing to spend an insurmountable amount of time listening to our girlfriends vent and cry and everything in between, but how often do we extend that attention to our mates? How often do we let him vent? If the answer is not often or never, I have to ask why? Is it that we think he doesn't need that emotional space? He is human, after all, and his feelings do matter.
It's bad enough that men are reared to suck it up and suppress their feelings. If I speak directly to Black men, they are pushed even further to maintain a level of mental and emotional toughness not expected of others, which unfortunately often costs them their lives. So by us feeding into this narrative, we eliminate the necessary space for our partners to be safe, open and vulnerable.
I want to encourage us to be emotionally available to the men in our lives, no matter the position they hold. I urge us to have an open mind and be receptive to his feelings. I want us to create safe spaces and be deliberate not only in our listening but in speaking life into these men because as much as we want to be on the receiving end of life-filled words, we also need to be authors of them.
And with that, I say, Be Inspired!
My Book, Soul Talks: 52-Weeks of Inspiration, is Now on Sale at various online retailers.
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