Today is a good day for a little chit chat. Who am I kidding? Every day is a good day for chit chat!
Before this most recent Province-wide lockdown, I was having dinner with a friend. When we get together, our conversations go from foolish, where we can barely contain our laughter, and other tables give us a strong side-eye to deep thought-provoking interactions. Somehow, we always shed a tear or two and then laugh as we look at one another in bewilderment.
We always manage to touch on random topics. And this day, in particular, we focused our energy on speaking about trauma, boundaries and the fact that we have given normality to the things that destroy us.
We talked about the fact that we sometimes endure unacceptable behaviour based on what we saw growing up and based on who exhibits the behaviour. I accepted the notion, but in my true nature, I needed to know WHY? So I took to the streets. Well, not the street, but I sent a voice note to others in my circle and posed the question.
Just because you may share DNA, living space or even a bed, it doesn't permit another person to treat us unacceptably.
You know you have good friends when they entertain your random questions late at night or far too early in the morning, knowing it will likely end up in a blog. Anyway, one of them said when we willingly receive unacceptable behaviour, we must remember that someone with unresolved trauma may have raised the individual, so they genuinely don't know any better.
Another said that some people are just disrespectful and realize it and don't care. (For the sake of the blog and my Mom, I have removed the expletives, lol)
Then the response that left me undone was posed as a question; they asked, "what is missing in us that we see the treatment as normal, to begin with?" And I pose that question to you because I think it's worth pause and careful contemplation.
There's that saying that if you know to do better, you should do better. So, where does that leave us? I understand that unhealed trauma and baggage filters into future relationships, but do we continue in the cycle of transferring trauma from person to person and generation to generation? Do we continue to excuse it away and say we are a product of our environment?
Maybe we need to continue changing the narrative and do our due diligence by opening our mouths and have the necessary conversations that will work towards healing, not just ourselves but also those with whom we have relationships. (Hmm, this notion may segway into another post.)
Something else that came up in conversation was why we recognize red flags and unhealthy patterns and justify ignoring them is the best way to cope? And I share this next part as insight because someone said this to me in the summer. Just because you may share DNA, living space or even a bed, it doesn't permit another person to treat us unacceptably!
Read that again because that statement is the naked truth. The more I discussed this with different people, the more we realized the solution lies in the necessity of setting boundaries in our friendships, family relationships and love relationships.
Our boundaries are not about the other person; it's solely about preserving a sacred space around ourselves. It's the ultimate form of self-preservation that more of us need to practice if we are ever going to make it in this ever-changing world where people's sense of entitlement in our lives is at an ultimate high.
Let's recognize that giving negative behaviour a new name doesn't change the damages it does. Let's also acknowledge that just because we played in the sandbox as kids, run in the same circles as adults or even share a few similarities in DNA does not automatically give people access to you. It also means if someone has the gift of entry, they are not immune to having it revoked.
Gosh, that felt a little harsh as I typed it, but it's factual and needed to be said unapologetically. I'm not sure about you but 2020, as messed up as it was, was a year of shedding off a lot of old stuff. And although this year has gotten off to a rocky start with the pandemic still looming and, don't get me started on Capitol Hill's circus. 2021 is a year where more pruning needs to occur before new branches can sprout and fresh flowers bloom. That's my poetic way of saying that people will be cut off to make room for those who truly belong in our lives.
So here's to calling out bad behaviour and not giving it a new name to make it more palatable. Here's to using our voice and shutting down people's audacity to be disrespectful. Here's to healing from our trauma and the trauma that was transferred to us unknowingly. Here's to setting boundaries in all facets of our lives. Here's to an open mind and an open heart ready to receive whatever comes our way.
Be Inspired!
(Photo by RF._.studio via pexels)
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